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For a season that has been touted as having the best talent in its history, this sure is a snoozer of a bottom three. I guess there are some people who find these charisma dearths somewhat entertaining, but I’m not one of them. I have absolutely no horse in this race, and the only remaining contestant I have strong feelings about is Phil Phillips. And those strong feelings are that I don’t like him. The other two have had some really great moments, but neither has excited me as the season progressed. As a matter of fact, when I hear most of their song choices before they perform, it takes a lot for me to not immediately hit the fast forward button. But, I’m going to try and be nice, because this is sure to be a long two hours and constant negativity will only make that two hours feel much, much longer.

Joshua Ledet is up first with a choice from Randy Jackson, who tonight is clad in a blazer that can best be described as creamsicle. Of course, because he’s Randy Jackson and therefore a hopeless idiot, he introduces the song’s title wrong. Remember everybody, this is the song that he chose for Joshua and even in that situation he can’t remember the title. It’s Etta James’ “I’d Rather Go Blind.” Randy calls it “I’d Rather Be Blind” a small misstep for sure, but I’m still going to harp on it. Joshua performs the song the same way Joshua performs every song. It’s whatever until the last third when it devolves into an indecipherable jumbled mess. I had no idea what was going on. The judges? They loved it! And it’s Joshua so, as usual, it was so amazingly great in their ear holes that it required yet another STANDING OVATION! Shoot me.
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Ryan introduces the other members of the Top 12, who are sitting in the audience! Hey Elise! Good to see you, Skyler! I really, really miss you both! Also, Nigel Lythgoe is sitting next to the sheet white ghost of Priscilla Presley.
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Jessica performed Mariah Carey’s “My All,” and I would talk about it, except it was so boring that I fell asleep at around the third bar. Sorry y’all! I do know that she didn’t get a standing ovation, because she’s a woman and Steven predicted her to be the winner so that viewers would relax tonight and not vote for her. I’d like to say I’m kidding about my conspiracy theories, but I’m not. I totally believe them.

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The woman whose listening to that Jordan Sparks song in that commercial that airs a thousand times during every episode of ‘Idol’ embarrasses me to no end.
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Steven Tyler is the same judge who just a few weeks ago criticized Elise Testone for performing Jimi Hendrix’s “Bold As Love,” because he felt not enough people know that song. For Phil Phillips, tonight he’s chosen the song “Beggin,’” which is a Frankie Vali & the Four Seasons’ song that no one who votes for ‘Idol’ has ever heard. Further, he credits the song to a Norwegian band called Madcon, who covered it recently. No one’s heard them either. In any event, it’s exactly like every other Phil Phillips performance in that I absolutely hate it. Plus, it’s a super easy song to sing so if you think the judges aren’t trying to sway this thing when they give Joshua Etta James, Jessica Mariah freaking Carey and Phil Phillips “Beggin’” by Madcon, you’re very naive. Steven calls Phillip the new Bruce Springsteen, which is proof that Steven has never heard a Bruce Springsteen song in his life. No greater insult has ever been hurled at the Boss, not even by Jim Derogatis (if you get that joke, you are a great person and we should be friends).
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Joshua Ledet went home to Louisiana, and boy oh boy, does this kid have absolutely no discernible personality. He’s as wooden an ‘Idol’ contestant as there’s ever been. I have a feeling there should he ever get to a point where he becomes comfortable in his own skin that may change, but until then yeesh!
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He sings “Imagine” for his personal choice, and while I appreciate him not pulling an Archuletta and omitting the “imagine there’s no heaven” line (especially for a pretty devout Christian), I can’t get into it. I really want to be rooting for Joshua and for a little while I always think I can, but then, like clockwork he turns whatever song he’s singing into a screamy mess. It’s less so on “Imagine,” but it’s present enough for me to not like it. Steven talks about how he goes “over the top,” and he means it as a compliment, but that’s exactly what turns me off of Joshua. J.Lo calls it controlled. Hmmm…I guess. Randy says some nonsense.

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We find out that Jessica was home schooled, which explains a lot. Hey, remember when Jessica was voted off of the show?
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She sings “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing.” It’s technically proficient and probably my favorite performance so far. I mean, there’s really no reason to talk at length about the performances. All you have to say is the contestant’s name and the title of the song, and you know exactly what it’s going to sound like. It sound like Jessica Sanchez singing “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing.” Steven gives it a standing ovation and frick and frack comment on how Steven is usually very hard on artists who sing his songs. This is news to me, seeing as how I’ve never heard Steven say anything particularly bad about anything ever.
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Phil goes home. His dad has guns and girls swoon. It’s kind of sweet when his dad gets choked up. I liked Phil’s dad. Then he sang a Matchbox 20 song and the judges were like “meh.”

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The last song was Jimmy’s pick, and I’m gonna do this quickly because nothing at all happened to surprise anyone. Joshua sang “No More Drama,” which was really “So Much More Drama.” This performance had every single annoying Joshua quirk, complete with the taking off of his jacket. Jessica sang the Jackson Five’s “I’ll Be There,” and it wasn’t annoying. It was measured and it turns out, now this was my favorite performance of the night. Phil sang “We’ve Got Tonight” and was a snoozefest, but the judges pronounced it the best Phil performance ever. We were treated with my favorite moment of the season thus far, as the camera panned to the Top 12 and caught Erika Van Pelt rolling her eyes and shaking her head “no.” She’s right. This was tepid and all the good will Phil managed to get thanks to his dead went out the window. The judges gave him a standing ovation. So, one standing ovation for Joshua, one for Phil and zero for the woman contestant (to be fair, Steven stood after “Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” but that doesn’t really count).
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What’s going to happen tomorrow? Joshua and Phil will complete their systematic dismantling of all the women contestants and ride on to a dude vs. dude finale.